MIME-Version: 1.0
Server: CERN/3.0
Date: Monday, 06-Jan-97 22:01:02 GMT
Content-Type: text/html
Content-Length: 75307
Last-Modified: Friday, 17-Mar-95 19:14:59 GMT

<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3O//DTD W3 HTML 2.0//EN">
<!Converted with LaTeX2HTML 95.1 (Fri Jan 20 1995) by Nikos Drakos (nikos@cbl.leeds.ac.uk), CBLU, University of Leeds >
<HEAD>
<TITLE>No Title</TITLE>
</HEAD>
<BODY>
<meta name="description" value="No Title">
<meta name="keywords" value="jokes">
<meta name="resource-type" value="document">
<meta name="distribution" value="global">
<P>
 <BR> <HR><!WA0><A NAME=tex2html1 HREF="http://www.cs.utexas.edu/users/dastuart/tempjdir/jokes/node1.html"><!WA1><IMG ALIGN=BOTTOM ALT="next" SRC="http://net.cs.utexas.edu/pub/icons/latex2html/next_motif.gif"></A>   <!WA2><IMG ALIGN=BOTTOM ALT="up" SRC="http://net.cs.utexas.edu/pub/icons/latex2html/up_motif_gr.gif">   <!WA3><IMG ALIGN=BOTTOM ALT="previous" SRC="http://net.cs.utexas.edu/pub/icons/latex2html/previous_motif_gr.gif">         <BR>
<B> Next:</B> <!WA4><A NAME=tex2html2 HREF="http://www.cs.utexas.edu/users/dastuart/tempjdir/jokes/node1.html">   About this document </A>
<BR> <HR> <P>
 Dan Quayle is on the cover of the new Ripley's Believe It Or Not.
<P>
Tommy Lasorda is on anabolic pasta.
<P>
There was a meltdown at the nuclear power plant in Valparaiso.  The
result was Chili con Carnage.
<P>
The Southern version of the ``Just Say No'' campaign:  ``Y'all Quit''.
<P>
I watched a boring Buddy Ebsen/Robert Redford movie on TV last night,
but it turned out to be the Vice-Presidential debate.
<P>
The Massachusetts Miracle:  Someone found a live fish in Boston Harbor.
<P>
More news about Bryant Gumbel.  His ego has applied for statehood.  If
granted, it would be the ninth largest.
<P>
Young Guns:  Five actors who are sons of Martin Sheen, all with different
last names.
<P>
The queen, the prince and the count of a small country, conspired to
gain control of the throne by assinating the King.  The count was
sent into the Kings chamber one night and told to murder him
while he was sleeping.
The count, who was not very intelligent, slipped up and was caught
red handed in his attempt. The King knew very well that this man was
incapable of pulling this assination off by himself so he demanded, ``Tell
me who is conspiring against me or I will have your head.''  The
count stayed silent.
The King rounded up the executioner and took the count down to the
chopping block.  The King said, ``I'll give you one last chance.
Tell me who was in the conspiracy and I will spare your life.''  The
count refused to speak.
The King gave the signal to the excutioner and just as the axe was
being raised the count said, ``Wait, wait, I'll talk!''  But it was to
late.  The executioner droped his axe and the count died.
The King, fuming mad screemed at the executioner, ``You fool! How
many times have I told you never to hatchet you counts befor they
chicken!''
<P>
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Panamanian Elections.
<P>
10.  ``Sorry I'm late.  I was stuck in the drug traffic.''
<P>
9.  ``A puppet government?  The kids should enjoy that.''
<P>
8.  ``We better just forget about our extensive plans to fix the election boys --  Jimmy Carter is here!''
<P>
7.  ``Porque' Rob Lowe canto en el Oscars?''
<P>
6.  ``How the hell did Jesse Jackson get on the ballot?''
<P>
5.  ``With 210% of the vote in, we are ready to project a winner.''
<P>
4.  ``The guy who played Ringo looked just like him. '' (Sorry, that was heard at
  the Beatlmania concert, not the Panamanian election.)
<P>
3.  ``Sorry for the confusion Miss Collins, but we're having really big
  ELECTIONS down here.''
<P>
2.  ``Congratulations!  You chose Pepsi.''
<P>
1.  ``A man, a plan, a rigged election -- Panama!''
<P>
How many free-market economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- None - the invisible hand of the marketplace will take care of it
When will this happen?
- when somebody gets tired enough of sitting in the dark
<P>
        How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
<P>
        None, it's a hardware problem!
<P>
Wales suffers from a lack of vowels.  All the time you see signs like this:
<P>
LLWLLDLCNDLWLDLLWLDLLDWLDLWLC - 4 km
<P>
It's tragic to listen to Welsh mothers teaching their children
traditional songs like ``Old MacDonald Had A Farm'' and lapsing
into heart-rending silence when they get to the ``E I E I O'' bit.
<P>
If any of you have surplus vowels, please send them to your local
VFW (Vowels For Wales) office.
<P>
nt!mcrsft!grgj
(already sent mine in!)
(the above concept courtesy of Dave Barry, some syndicate or other)
<P>
        ``Have you ever been to Wales, Baldric''
        ``No, but I've often thought I'd like to.''
        ``Well don't. It's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough, sinewy men roam
the valleys, terrifying people with their close-harmony singing. You need half
a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the place names. Never ask
for directions in Wales, Baldric. You'll be washing spit out of your hair for a
fortnight.''
                -- Baldric and Blackadder
                   Blackadder III
<P>
     An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in their
rooms when the building catches fire.  The engineer wakes up, smelling
smoke.  He runs to the bathroom and fills the wastebasket with water and
douses the flames, soaking the immediate area.
<P>
     The physicist wakes up, smelling smoke.  He grabs his calculator and
does a series of rapid calculations.  He then runs to the bathroom and
gets exactly the right amount of water to douse the flames without getting
anything else wet.
<P>
     The mathematician wakes up smelling smoke.  He walks into the bathroom
and fills a paper cup with water.  He then lights a match and pours the
water over it.  He then exclaims ``A solution exists!'', and goes back to bed.
<P>
        A Mathematician, a Chemist, a Physicist, and an Engineer were
        all asked the question: ``Are all odd numbers other than 1 prime?''
<P>
        Mathematician: ``Well, 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. Nine?
        Nine isn't prime. Counterexample!''
<P>
        Chemist: ``3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. Nine? Er, ah, um,
        9 is experimental error...''
<P>
        Physicist: ``3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. Well, they must
        all be prime...''
<P>
        Engineer: ``3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime...''
<P>
Computer programer: `` 3 is a prime. 3 is a prime. 3 is a prime. 3 is a
                    prime. ''
<P>
Biologist: ``what is a prime anyway?''.
<P>
Mathematician: `` 3 is a prime. 5 is a prime. 7 is a prime and the rest
               will be learned by induction.''
<P>
It seems that once upon a time Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev were all
travelling together on this train from Moscow to Vladivostok when,
at one point, the engines stuttered and the train came grinding to a halt.
<P>
Two hours later, nothing more had happened; the train was still stopped.
Stalin got up.  ``I'll take care of this.''
He went out and had all of the engineers and train-workers shot.
He came back into the compartment and sat back down.
``That should take care of it.''
<P>
Two more hours passed; the train has not moved.
Khrushchev got up.  ``I'll take care of this.''
He went out, found a few engineers hiding in the rear of the train,
and, after a while, managed to persuade them to start working on the
train again.  He came back into the compartment and sat down.
``That should take care of it.''
<P>
Ten minutes later there was this loud groaning noise from the engines;
the train lurched forward and then came to a halt a few moments later.
<P>
Nothing more happened for about an hour.
Then Brezhnev got up, drew the blinds, and sat down.
<P>
``Now.  Train is moving.''
<P>
tongue:
    A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly
    crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of
    dead cow.
<P>
yogurt:
    Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated
    and fermented milk.  Yogurt is one of only three foods
    that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other
    two are goulash and squid.
<P>
recipe:
    A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
    ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't
    own, to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.
<P>
porridge:
    Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since
    children were granted the right to sue their parents.
    The name is an amalgamation of the words ``Putrid'',
    ``hORRId'' and ``sluDGE''.
<P>
preheat:
    To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time
    before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be
    burned when the food is put in, as well as when it
    is removed.
<P>
oven:
    Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky
    pieces of meat and poultry.
<P>
microwave oven:
    Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle
    of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food
    placed within the cooking compartment.
<P>
calorie:
    Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by
    the average individual prior to taking a second helping
    of a particular food.
<P>
arab coffee:
    Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in
    tiny cups at gunpoint.
<P>
David Letterman's 10 New Slogans for Exxon:
<P>
10. We've got oil to spare.
<P>
9. Exxon: The Eastern Airlines of the sea.
<P>
8. Anybody got a tissue?
<P>
7. Breathe a word of this to anyone, and we'll kill you.
<P>
6. Keeping your children safe from blood-thirsty marauding walruses.
<P>
5. Now sardines automatically come with oil.
<P>
4. Three Mile Island.  Now THAT was an accident.
<P>
3. If it wasn't for us, American sea gulls would be covered with foreign oil.
<P>
2. Ecosystems, schmecosystems.
<P>
1. Hey, you try drinking 3 or 4 six-packs and then steering a huge oil tanker!
<P>
    The government has called off martial law in China. They have now
established Peter Marshall law. They will ask the students several
questions and if they don't answer correctly, the government gets the
square.
<P>
Definitely *not* seen on the streets in Tehran:
<P>
        ``A friend of mine went to Tehran and
         all I got was this lousy death shroud''.
<P>
Comment on Lethal Weapon 2 :
<P>
1. Of all the major events in the movie, virtually *none* of them
   could possibly have taken place in or near the City of Los Angeles,
   the State of California, the United States of America, or the planet
   Earth in or near the year AD 1989.
<P>
Q: What's big and gray and puts out forest fires?
<P>
A: Smokey the Elephant.
<P>
Q: What's gray, has a long trunk, and weighs 3 pounds?
<P>
A: A very thin elephant.
<P>
Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
<P>
A: By painting its toenails red.
<P>
Q: How can you tell elephants from blueberries?
<P>
A: Elephants are gray, blueberries are blue.
<P>
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
<P>
A: HERE COME THE ELEPHANTS!
<P>
Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming?
<P>
A: HERE COME THE BLUEBERRIES! (She was color blind.)
<P>
Several hundred years ago in North America, there lived a tribe of 
Native Americans.  It so happened that three young squaws of the tribe
found themselves expecting children.  It was their tradition that
the first surface touched by a new born baby should be that of an animal
skin procured for the occasion.  And so it happened that the three young
bucks responsible went out on a hunt for birthing skins for their squaws.
<P>
A few days later, the three men returned after a successful hunt with
their birthing skins and food for the tribe.  The first buck had bagged
a deer, and the second had killed a bear.  The third buck had spotted a
huge animal swimming in a river, and harvested a rare American hippopotamus.
<P>
More time passed, and the blessed events came, all at the same time.  The
three squaws prepared to give birth.  The first squaw gave birth to a
baby boy on the deer skin.  The second squaw gave birth to a baby girl
on the bear skin.  The third squaw gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl,
on the hippopotamus skin.
<P>
And so even in ancient America they knew that ... The squaw of the 
hippopotomus is equal the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.
<P>
The Ayatollah's Top Ten Reasons to Live
(Late Night With David Letterman - May 25, 1989)
<P>
10.  Chance to watch Ayatollah, Jr. pitch for little league team.
<P>
 9.  Basement full of unused bombs.
<P>
 8.  Ed McMahon told him he might already be a winner!
<P>
 7.  Just got HBO.
<P>
 6.  Figures if he lives long enough, they'll probably give him an honorary
     Oscar.
<P>
 5.  Wants to see that Rob Lowe video.
<P>
 4.  Ruthless and insane successor may not be ruthless and insane enough.
<P>
 3.  Tomorrow on Letterman:  Zorba -- the world's largest dog.
<P>
 2.  Still hoping Sinatra will reunite him and Salman Rushdie.
<P>
 1.  Hell is booked through Labor Day.
<P>
     TOP 10 CARTOON SHOWS IN IRAN
<P>
                                10. Ayatollah Turtle
<P>
                                 9. Scooby Abu Nidal
<P>
                                 8. Dennis the Brainwashed Skyjacking Menace
<P>
                                 7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Mullahs
<P>
                                 6. George Bush, the Pork Rind-Eating Infidel 
                                    Dog
<P>
                                 5. Super-Sloppy Rushdie Hunt
<P>
                                 4. Carlos the Jackal
<P>
                                 3. Popeye the Uncircumcised Sailor
<P>
                                 2. The Moose in the Burnoose
<P>
                                 1. Really Looney Tunes
<P>
                                           -- Late Night with David Letterman
<P>
William Shatner:  ``My space, the final frontier.  These are my
voyages on the Starship Enterprise.  My five year miss..er..three
season missi..my five movie mission:  To abhor strange, new worlds; to
seek out nude life, and nude civilizations;  to baldly go where no ego
has gone before!''
<P>
``Mnementh Express-- when it absolutely, positively has to be there in the
time it takes to cough thrice''
<P>
Ramoth Express -- When it absolutely, positively has to be there yesterday.
<P>
Oldtimer Express -- When it absolutely, positively has to be there in four
hundred years
<P>
Firelizard Express -- When you're just not sure when it's due.
<P>
  If ending a sentence with a preposition bothers you, take this:
<P>
    Why did you bring that book I didn't want to be read to out of up for?
<P>
referee's report on the Bible
<P>
 In this work, the main author (God) gives a construction of the
universe, and establishes some of its metaphysical properties.
He refutes certain propositions claimed by Beelzebub (Proc. Hades
Philos. Soc. 4004 B.C.) while at the same time placing the work
of his colleague Christ in proper context. In the final section
certain conjectures are made as to the nature of future research.
I recommend publication, subject to certain revisions in the
early part, where some unnecessary duplication appears to have
taken place (cf. Kings and Chronicles).
<P>
A man walks into an auto parts store and says
``I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo.''
<P>
The man behind the counter thinks about this for
a while, then says ``Yup, seems like a fair trade to
me.''
<P>
``It has long been known...''
	I didn't bother to look up the original references.
<P>
``A definite trend is evident...''
	These data are practically meaningless....
<P>
``Of great theoretical and practical importance...''
	Interesting to me.
<P>
``While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to 
these questions....''
	An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it
	published.
<P>
``Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study...''
	The results of the other didn't make any sense.
<P>
``Typical results are shown...''
	The best results are shown.
<P>
``These results will be shown in a subsequent report...''
	I might get around to this if I'm pushed.
<P>
``It is believed that...''
	I think.
<P>
``It is generally believed that...''
	A couple of other guys think so, too.
<P>
``It is clear that much additional work will be required before 
a complete understanding of the phenomena occurs...''
	I don't understand it, nobody else could explain it
	to me, but it should produce quite few publications.
<P>
``Correct within the limits of experimental accuracy...''
	Wrong. I fitted the curve to the best known experimental
	results.
<P>
``It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation
	in this field...''
	This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others
	on this miserable topic.
<P>
``A careful analysis of the obtainable data...''
	Three pages of the notes were obliterated when I knocked over
	a glass of beer.
<P>
  A Texan was showing a tourist San Antonio.  ``Over there, you will find the
Alamo, where 180 BRAVE Texans held off 20,000 Mexican troops for 8 days.  And
over there, you will find a statue of a Texas Ranger.  He was directly
responsible for the apprehension of over 40 outlaws and singlehandedly broke
up four riots. And over there...''
  ``Well, I'm from Boston,'' the tourist interrupted, ``and we have our heros
there, too.  Take Paul Revere for instance...''
  ``Paul Revere?!'' snorted the Texan, ``You mean that guy who had to ride for
help?''
<P>
Mommy, mommy, what's a werewolf?
Shut up, Johnnny, and comb your face before school.
<P>
Mummy, Mummy, I love Daddy!
Shut up - you've had three helpings already!
<P>
Q: How does Santa get all of his deliveries done in one night?
<P>
A: Rudolf the red shift reindeer.
<P>
	A while ago I saw a posting here about User Hostile hardware/software.
This is NOT a reposting.  I just happened to develop this after I wrote my
first user-hostile (real) LISP program.  I would like to acknowledge the help
of Eric Hollander who contributed some ideas.
<P>
	I would also like to note that none of this is based on my experience
with the Apollo HP's that our OCF (Open Computing Facility) received as a
donation from HP.  In my opinion, Apollos are the greatest workstations
around.  There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with them (Honest!!!).  I think we
truly got our money's worth.
<P>
			USER HOSTILE
<P>
	R&amp;R Software yesterday announced the introduction of a new concept in
software/hardware development:  User Hostility.  Among their new
developments:
<P>
A) The Attack Mouse (tm):  Basically, the only difference between other
commercial mouse systems and this one is that the Attack Mouse transmits a 220
Volt current to the user at random intervals.
<P>
B) Numerical Commands:  All commands in R&amp;R Operating Systems will be
numerical.  'ls' for example, will be '000539.' Flags will be designated as
decimals, so, for instance, 'ls -sFta' will be '000539.497387292100'.  Each
flag will be 3 decimal spaces long.
<P>
C) Recursive manual pages:  R&amp;R announced that their manual pages will be
recursive.  As a typical example, the manual page for ls will be:
<P>
LS(1)				R&amp;R					LS(1)
<P>
NAME
<P>
	000539 - list contents of directory
<P>
SYNOPSIS
<P>
	See 'man 000539'
<P>
DESCRIPTION
<P>
	See 'man 000539'
<P>
D) Longer manual pages:  With the exception of Recursive Manual Pages (tm),
manual pages installed on R&amp;R machines will be approximately 120Kb long.  This
will lead, an R&amp;R representative predicted, to the gravitation of the
utilization of their machines to users who are ``Trully dedicated to the task
of deciphering cryptic manual pages.''
<P>
E) Sponteneous Password changes:  In R&amp;R's multi-user systems (VAX's and
workstations), passwords will be changed automatically by the machine every 7
days.  This, said an R&amp;R representative, will ultimately lead to the
Continuous Password (tm), that will change automatically whenever a command is entered.
<P>
F) Cruciality-Based Crashing:  The new R&amp;R workstations will feature a device
that will measure how important the task being done is to its owner, and how
crucial it is that it be finished within a certain period of time.  Whenever
the importance/crucialityrating of the total tasks being performed on the 
workstation passes a certain point (randomly selected by the machine), the
machine will automaticaly crash.
<P>
G) User-Hostile Software and Operating Systems:  R&amp;R plans many developments
in this area, including:
   1)  A standard error message (i.e.  RTFM Asshole!!)
   2)  Humiliation Software:  Where, upon choosing different options, the user
       is humiliated by the software (i.e. ``You're a loser--a disgrace to your 
       country'' in case a user wishes to exit a program).
   3)  Utilization of racial slurs.
<P>
H) Sponteneous deletion of all files:  If a certain user does not log on
within 7 days of the last logoff, that user is assumed to have died and all of
his/her files will be deleted.  In addition, any attempt to login as that user
will be treated as an impersonation, and the machine will utilize a 2000 Volt
electric current to discourage further attempts.
<P>
I) Fake Mail:  The machines will randomly generate easily-detected fake mail
from various users addressed to root.  R&amp;R assures us, though, that the
machines will also automatically correct the problem by turning off those
users accounts for suspicion of sending fake mail.
<P>
	Overall, this new generation of software/hardware promises to be a
giant leap backwards to the days of IBM.
<P>
What is the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the
road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?  The are skid
marks in front of the skunk!
<P>
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?  A doberman.
<P>
What do you call 2000 attorneys chained to the bottom of the sea? 
A good start.
<P>
How can you tell if your lawyer is lying?  His lips are moving.
<P>
Why don't lawyers go to the beach?  The cats keep trying to bury
them.
<P>
A lawyer was asked if he wanted to become a Jehovah's Witness.  He
declined, as he hadn't seen the accident but would still be
interested in taking the case.
<P>
Why does California have more lawyers than New Jersey has toxic
waste dumps?  New Jersey had first choice.
<P>
What's the difference between a porcupine and two attorneys in a
Porsche?  With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
<P>
Standing around the grave of a departed friend are an
anthropologist, and doctor, and a lawyer.
<P>
When the eulogies are over, the anthropologist suggests that they
all put some money in the coffin, as is the custom of some ancient
tribes she has been studying.
<P>
The anthropologist pulls out a $100 bill and deposits it in the
coffin.  Not to be outdone, the doctor also pulls out a $100 bill
and lays it in the coffin.
<P>
The lawyer writes a check for $300, puts it in the coffin, and
removes the $200 cash.
<P>
And then there's the lawyer who, when stepping in cow shit,
thought he was melting.
<P>
Reprinted from ``The Purdue Eudaemonist'', without permission.
<P>
                     Similar to those books ...
                         Seen On TV!                   LOW
                                                       LIFE
                                                       BOOKS
<P>
                    Announcing, from Low-Life Books,
<P>
                      MYSTERIES OF THE OVERBLOWN
<P>
This provocative new book series provides amazingly arbitrary
explanations to events which lie entirely within ordinary reality.
Just listen to some of the stories described within ...
<P>
o  In Malibu, CA, a woman suddenly feels that her grandson in New York
has just received a phone call bringing terrible news.  She places a
frantic, long distance call ... and *the line is busy*.
			              ...IT'S DISMISSED AS COINCIDENCE
<P>
o  A group of youths in a wooded clearing are held aloft by an unseen force.
They report hearing ``wow, like, really freaky noises, man.''
			              ...IT'S DISMISSED AS ``BAD'' ACID
<P>
o  As reported by dozens of observers, numerous glowing lights appear in the
night sky over Denver, remaining until dawn.
			              ...IT'S DISMISSED AS STARS
<P>
o  In Lynchburg, VA, a man sticks a fork in a toaster when suddenly a bolt
of energy shoots up his arm, knocking him unconscious.  
			              ...IT'S DISMISSED AS STUPIDITY
<P>
We can no longer afford to ignore things which may not be complete
fabrications.  Act now and you'll receive the exciting first book,
``THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT.''  After that, you'll receive one
book per month.  If you don't want it, send it back within 30 seconds
for a full refund.  Many exciting titles await, from ``SPOOKY NOISES'' to
``HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE REALLY FROM ANOTHER PLANET.''
<P>
each book is$89.90, billable in 10 monthly installments of
<P>
ONLY$8.99 EACH!!
<P>
(The PBS ``American Masters'' series did a show on Mort Sahl, who had
these anecdotes about Alexander Haig:)
<P>
Haig offerred Sahl a Cuban cigar, whereupon Sahl wondered how an
anti-communist such as Haig could be supporting Cuba by smoking their
cigars.  Haig replied that he preferred to think of it as burning their
crops to the ground.
<P>
Sahl and Haig were discussing Henry Kissinger.  Sahl mentioned that, of
course, Kissinger could not be the US President since he was not born
in the US.  Haig said, no, that's a common misconception, Kissinger was
born in the US.  ``How did he get that accent?'' asked Sahl.  Haig
replied, ``From never listening to anybody.''
<P>
Made this one up during my morning commute:
<P>
A license plate for a VW Bug:
<P>
	FEATURE
<P>
Through some clever security hole manipulation if I have been able to
break into all of the government's computers and acquire the Lisp code
to SDI. Here is the last page (tail -10) of it to prove that I actually
have the code:
<P>
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
<P>
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
<P>
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
<P>
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
<P>
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
<P>
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
<P>
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
<P>
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
<P>
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
<P>
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
<P>
How To Write a Rap / House(glorified disco) / Disco Song
<P>
LYRICS:
Simply take one word or phrase from each of the three columns below, in order
to make one line.  Repeat randomly four times.  Repeat process again twice
to make chorus.  Repeat last line 17 times.  Don't worry if they don't make
sense.
<P>
Column 1		Column 2		Column 3
<P>
Move it			Triple Beat		The City Streets
Get Up			Body Heat		You'll be Humpin
Pump It Up		Feel the Beat		Before the Night is Over
Get Down		Get Around		Shake your Meat
Shake it		The Joint Is Jumpin	Bustin Loose
Pump the Jam		Feet are Stompin	Disco Heat
<P>
BACKBEAT:
Program a drum machine in neverending 4/4 time.  Add occasional snare.
<P>
BODY:
Add monotonous bass in one key.  Overlay with puncy sounding synth.  Get
previously unknown singer to talk the lyrics so as not to test the range
of the vocal chords.
<P>
PRODUCTION:
Put above ingredients together on master tape.  Press discs.  Give the label
a suitably techno-funk sounding name, like ``Mixmastermeatbeaters''.  Sell 5
million copies to unsuspecting public.  Win MTV Award.
<P>
The sad thing is the public will *think* you've been creative...
<P>
Better still, this process can be automated via a lyric C program, a random 
synth base and music generator, and the discs mastered directly by computer
control.
<P>
This relieves the composer of decisions regarding which phrases and notes
to use in production.  By pressing the &lt;RET&gt; key, more than 100 CD's a week
can be generated.
<P>
This I have done, below is a sample composition guaranteed to make megabucks:
<P>
-----
``Get down'' by Mixmastermeatbeaters
<P>
Get down the joint is jumpin' you'll be humpin'
Shake it feet are stompin' in the city streets
Pump the jam feel the beat with disco heat
Move it get around 'til the night is over
<P>
(chorus)
Get down to triple beat shake your meat
Pump it up get around in the city streets
<P>
Pump the jam to triple beat you'll be humpin'
Shake it get body heat 'til the night is over
Get up the joint is jumpin' you'll be humpin'
Pump it up feet are stompin' I'm bustin loose
<P>
(chorus)
Get down to triple beat shake your meat
Pump it up get around in the city streets
<P>
Pump it up get around in the city streets
Pump it up get around in the city streets
Pump it up get around in the city streets
etc..
-----
<P>
Note that this is indistinguishable from the human generated version.
<P>
For those who wish to compose themselves, the program appears in the next
posting.  I hope for a cut in the royalties :-)
<P>
The heaviest element known to science was discovered at the Lawrence
Livermore National Laboratory.  The element, tentatively named ADMINISTRATUM
(Ad), has no protons or electrons.  Thus it has the atomic number 0.  It
does, however, have one neutron, 75 associate neutrons, 125 deputy associate
neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons.  The 312 particles are held
together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called memons.
<P>
Since it has no electrons, ADMINISTRATUM is inert.  Nevertheless, it can be
detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it
takes part.  According to Dr. Langour, one of the discoverers of the element,
a very small amount of ADMINISTRATUM made one reaction that normally takes
less than a second, take over four days to go to completion.
<P>
ADMINISTRATUM has a half-life of approximately three years, at which time it
does not actually decay.  Instead, it undergoes an internal reorganization in
which associates to the neutron, deputy associates to the neutron, and
assistant deputy associate neutrons all exchange places.  Some studies have
indicated that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
<P>
An eight year girl is trying to check out a book entitled 
 ``Advice for Young Mothers''  from the local library.
<P>
Librarian: Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?
<P>
Little girl: I collect moths.
<P>
There has been criticism of the government for not anticipating
the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait.  For the future use of diplomats here
are three warning signs of possible invasion.
<P>
1)  Many men in uniform with guns mass along the border of a country.
<P>
2) The leader of that country has a mustache.
<P>
3) The man with the mustache makes speeches about how the
neighboring country has really belonged to his for hundreds of years.
<P>
The front cover of the magazine Private Eye in the UK recently
had a photograph of Saddam Hussein saying,
<P>
``... and if anyone else compares me to Hitler, I'll gas them.''
<P>
Sadaam Hussein assumed the Presidency of Iraq by killing his
predecessor.  His predecessor did the same.  Obviously in Iraq
they have a ``one bullet, one vote'' system.
<P>
In a recent news conference, President Bush was asked how long he thought
the Middle East crisis would last.  Bush replied, ``As long as you remember
the S&amp;L crisis.''
<P>
Duct tape is like the FORCE!  It has a light side and a
dark side and holds the universe together.
<P>
``Rushdie'' comes
from an ancient Sanskrit dialect and means one who is in a hurry to die.
<P>
        ``Remember, once you pull the pin, Mr. Hand Grenade is no longer
         your friend!''
                        - Phoenix Command Small Arms Combat System
<P>
     Kirk: ``Bones! This man is bleeding! Help him!''
<P>
     Bones: ``Dammit, Jim! I'm a Doctor, not a...wait a minute, 
             maybe I can help this man.''
<P>
 Mary had a little lamb.
 Her gynacologist had a stroke.
<P>
 Other statistically unsound shortcuts I use for avoiding dreck:
<P>
  o  If the book is part of a series (and what isn't, these days?)
     then the more pretentious and long-winded the series name is,
     the less likely I am to examine the book (e.g., ``First in the
     Epic Rolfe ThrogsNeck-Bridge of of Des Moine, Iowa, Saga'').
<P>
  o  If the name of the actual author either doesn't appear at all on
     the cover, or is in smaller print than the name of some other
     author who didn't have much or anything to do with writing the
     book, flush it.  Likewise, if the cover says something like ``A
     &lt;fill in the name&gt; Production'' (like, who the hell is Bill
     Fawcett, anyway?).
<P>
  o  If the blurb appears to be from somewhere in the left-field
     bleachers, forget it (e.g., William Shatner's endorsement on the
     cover of the novelization of ``Voice of the Planet'').
<P>
  o  And -- and I know that this one is really problematical -- if
     I look at the front cover, the back cover and the inside front
     blurb pages and I see a zillion endorsements from other authors
     and/or clips from favorable reviews, but nothing at all about
     what the book itself is actually about, I generally pitch it
     on the grounds of a deeply felt moral conviction that the
     publisher is under an obligation to at least give me some sort
     of clue...
<P>
	I can't be too critical on cover blurb hunters.  I usually go by 
authors and then by friends' suggestions (I'm fortunate enough to have lots
of friends who say, ``You haven't read  Bulgi of the Zuccini People ?  You 
heathen!'').
	As for blurbs, I've gotten a good indication of what they mean by 
looking at several books.  Each author's blurb usually means more or less  
the same thing.  For example:
<P>
Steven King -- ``Mort Bloodsucker is the NEW master of horror!  Remember, it's 
Mort Bloodsucker, not Steven King, Mort Bloodsucker.  Keep that in mind, and 
maybe, for once, I can appear on a magazine cover without being photographed in
a dark room with a flashlight shining up my fucking neck.''
<P>
Isaac Asimov -- `` The Toad Returns  is a wonderful book.  Well, really, I 
haven't read it, but the guy who wrote it is polite enough, and I think he's 
my publisher's nephew.''
<P>
Spider Robinson -- [I have no idea what a Spider Robinson review means.  How an 
intelligent man, skilled writer, and reliable critic can say that Craig Shaw 
Gardner is a good writer is beyond me.]
<P>
Roger Zelazny -- ``This book is'' [pause, checks random adjective generator] 
``engrossing.''
<P>
Ursula K. LeGuin -- ``He (or she) writes a lot like I do.''
<P>
Anne McCaffrey: Kitchen Maids of Pern
<P>
Bitsella is just a lowly kitchen drudge until she discovers that her green
firelizard has the ability to vibrate her wings at *just* the right frequency
to cause dirt to fall off of pots and pans -- a discovery that leads to
adventure and romance.
<P>
Gordon R Dickson, David Drake, Jerry Pournelle:  Time Mercenaries I
<P>
Beginning a new shared-world series about the galaxy's toughest mercenaries.
Only these superbly trained and lavishly equipped specialists are allowed to
travel back in time to adjust the time-flow by eliminating historically-
important armies.  In this first adventure they travel back to the fifteenth
century in an attempt to eliminate the Duchy of Grand Fenwick.
<P>
Harlan Ellison and Philip Jose Farmer: A Few More Dangerous Visions
<P>
Working with a couple of dozen co-authors is a sure way to fall behind 
schedule, as Harlan Ellison has discovered.  Now, with the aid of Philip
Jose Farmer, who has had more experience at this, he turns to coauthoring
stories with writers who are dead, and hence much easier to work with.
<P>
Jack Chalker: Out of Body
<P>
In a radical departure, science fiction author Jack Chalker turns to fantasy
in this new series.  The city of Wallawash is ruled by an incorporeal elite:
a race of symbionts capable of possessing and modifying a human body.  But
now some humans are finding themselves *dispossessed*, their consciousness
transfered to other bodies.
<P>
David Eddings: The Anacreon
<P>
The Dark Prophecy has been defeated, the two stones have been merged into a
single crystal, and the Child of Darkness has been rescued.  But a newly-
discovered prophecy reveals that the Dark Prophecy will have one more chance.
Indeed, before it can be prevented, it strikes from the Afterlife, stealing
the Crystal.  To recover it, Belgarion must lead a party to Heaven (maps of
which are provided in the book).
<P>
Well, go ahead and call me a dweeb, but I find blurbs very helpful
in choosing which new SF books to buy.  However, they need a certain
kind of reading...
<P>
For instance, here's a typical account of an expedition to the local
WaldenDeadTrees in search of mindless escapism:
<P>
[Hmm, what's new this week.  Ah, here's one]
<P>
	The Dark Lord Returns
<P>
	Thousands of years ago, the Wise bound the Dark Lord under
Mount Dormor and set the Seven Wardstones to guard him.  But the old
magic has long gone, the wards are failing, and evil powers are again
abroad in the world.  In this time of crisis, all the free peoples -
elves, dwarves, men, even the little furry-footed halfwits - must
band together...
<P>
[Wait a minute, I read that wrong, somewhere.  Back up a bit]
<P>
	...even the little furry-footed halbwirs - must band together...
<P>
[Well, cute I suppose, but the first reading was better after all]
<P>
	... and defend the West from the return of Lord Grimmoire.
Thus begins a magnificent new fantasy trilogy, in the great tradition...
<P>
[Oh, dear, that's two of the dreaded T-words, brace yourself for the
 big one, Robert]
<P>
	... of Donaldson and T*LK**N...
<P>
[Aaargh! there it is.  Drop book immediately, wipe green slime from
 fingers, and press on... Now, how about this one...]
<P>
	Things Will Get Rather Nasty
	Book Five: Eridani Encounter
<P>
	The human race had long since beaten its swords into
plowshares, and war was an ugly memory.  But then, when the first
starships tunneled through infraspace, they found that the rest
of the Universe wasn't so nice.  Suddenly, the Terrans had to
reinvent soldiers, strategy and spam all over again, and in a
big hurry, before the aliens found them.
<P>
The earlier books told how Captain Grunt pulled together an
assorted gang of criminals, misfits and rebels, and created
Earth's first fighting force.  Now they are exploring the
limits of known space, when suddenly they encounter an awesome
battlecruiser of unknown origin and intentions...
<P>
[Yawn.  Another piece of badly-written soft-core machiography
 from Dave Duck and Co.  Can this tripe and press on.  Hey,
 here's a new one ... great-looking cover, too...]
<P>
	Oath of the Sword
<P>
	Since her mother's death three years before, sixteen-year-old
Hissyfit had managed the castle all by herself - although the Duke,
her father, never seemed to notice.  But only her supervision got
the tapestries mended, the lamps trimmed, the huge meals served to
the noble guests in the Great Hall, the pools of vomit cleaned up
the next day.  And after all, isn't that what a girl is supposed to
do?  And, after her father marries her off to some convenient local
landowner, won't she do just the same in her own castle?
<P>
So why does she dream about running away, and feel strange urges
to steal her grandfather's ugly black sword, dress in low-cut chain
mail, and ride around the countryside hacking people into small
pieces?  What is wrong with her, anyway?
<P>
Then her orderly life changes, when she meets Eggnog, who is one of
the famous Messengers of Maldemer, and is tall, handsome, saturnine,
dark-haired, limpid-brown-eyed, and *frightfully* good in bed, and
who rides the intelligent telepathic horse Stomper, who is tall,
handsome, limpid-brown-eyed, - and no, the story doesn't get that
kinky, but stay tuned for the sequel, girls, because You Never Know...
<P>
[Oh, dear.  No way will I pay $4.95 (plus tax) for this rubbish.
 Instead, I'll show it to my teenage daughter, let HER spend $4.95
 (plus tax), and then borrow it...  Guess that's it for now... Wait!
 there's one more, down on the bottom shelf...]
<P>
	Flight from Freedonia
<P>
	Jack Kvetch was just an ordinary, incompetent small-town
reporter who drank too much and wrote too little.  Then he fell
through the strange disk of light that appeared behind his favorite
topless bar.  So how did he get here, in a stolen airship heading
West, with the garrulous Fu Tseng, sacked Court Poet of the King
of Hawaii, and the dizzy nymphet who might, or might not, be the
Grand Duchess of Russian America?  And behind him somewhere are the
secret police of Emperor Hamilton VI, who would like to get their
hands on his marvellous .45 revolver, and on as much as he knows of
the alien technology that produced it.  And where are the rebel
Jeffersonians, and what will *they* want from him?
<P>
[Wow, a new parallel-worlds yarn from Hank Turtleneck!  Feeding Frenzy!!]
<P>
Of course, your tastes and mileage may differ, but I find blurbs almost
as much fun as many books.
<P>
Moebius Story
<P>
  It consists of the phrase ``once upon a
  time '' on one side of a strip of paper and ``there was a story which
  began'' on the other side, and the instruction to cut the strip out,
  give it a half twist, and tape the ends together
<P>
   Wouldn't it turn upside down every 10 words? Silliest story I ever heard of.
<P>
  Come on, what's a story without a few plot twists?
<P>
``They'' reinstalled the news posting program in the department.  Before,
when you posted an article, it said something like:
<P>
``This program posts news to thousands of machines all around the world.
Your message will cost the net hundreds if not thousands of dollars.
Are you sure you want to do this?''
<P>
But *now* it says, and I'm not making this up:
<P>
``This program posts news to billions of machines throughout the galaxy.
Your message will cost the net enough to bankrupt your entire planet,
and as a result your species will be sold into slavery.  Be sure you know
what you are doing.''
<P>
Oh my...and since I just posted this, I must appologize to the human race...
<P>
   ``Watership Down:
    You've read the book.  You've seen the movie.  Now eat the stew!''
<P>
In a local college claculus class, the teacher wrote:
<P>

<P>
<P><!WA5><IMG BORDER=0 ALIGN=BOTTOM ALT="" SRC="http://www.cs.utexas.edu/users/dastuart/tempjdir/jokes/img1.gif"><P>
<P>
 In an exam the next week, the following answer was seen:
<P>
<P><!WA6><IMG BORDER=0 ALIGN=BOTTOM ALT="" SRC="http://www.cs.utexas.edu/users/dastuart/tempjdir/jokes/img2.gif"><P>

<P>

<P>
Here are some potential future works by the prolific author Isaac
Asimov:
<P>
``Asimov's Guide to Auto Repair''
<P>
``Asimov on Upholstery''
<P>
``I, Nintendo''
<P>
``Asimov and the Birth of the Blues''
<P>
``Asimov on Lotus 1-2-3 Version 3.0''
<P>
``The Intelligent Man's Guide to Drywall''
<P>
``Foundation and Norby''
<P>
``Prelude to the End of Eternity''
<P>
``Isaac Asimov Does YOUR Income Taxes''
<P>
``II, Robot''
<P>
``Isaac Asimov's Truly Tasteless Jokes''
<P>
Isaac Asimov presents the Golden Age of Asimov Vol. I
<P>
Isaac Asimov presents the Golden Age of Asimov Vol. II
<P>
<!WA7><IMG BORDER=0 ALIGN=BOTTOM ALT="" SRC="http://www.cs.utexas.edu/users/dastuart/tempjdir/jokes/img3.gif">
<P>
Fantastic Voyage III
<P>
The Asimov Guide to TV and VCR Repair
<P>
``Isaac Asimov's Guide to Isaac Asimov's Guides''
<P>
``Robots and Foundation and Empire''
<P>
``Foundation and Earth and some more Robots''
<P>
``Robots, Foundation, Empire and Spam''
<P>
``Spam, Foundation, Earth and Spam''
<P>
``Spam Earth Spam Spam Foundation Robots and Sausage''
<P>
      ``Onion ring to bind them, onion ring to find them,
<P>
       onion ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.''
<P>
                                           Tolkien in a Jack-in-the-Box
<P>
Much of the Miskatonic University's special collection of literature, artwork,  artifacts and specimens may only be studied by certified scholars.  As many     psychiatrists can tell you, getting a Miskatonic scholar certified is rarely    difficult.
<P>
Oh come ON, ``Brock'' is totally letter-sweater Ivy.
<P>
Irene O'Connell, a spunky, vivacious redhead, smiled as Brock Manley,
the dashing blond captain of the lacrosse squad, pulled up in his
jalopy outside the sorority house.  ``Hi Brock!'' she waved.  Brock was
not only handsome, athletic, and a real gentleman, but he was secretly
very sensitive; only Irene had seen the first chapter of his ``novel,''
and she could tell he had a bright future in the writing game.  Plus
he had thews like brick. . . thews.  Irene flushed.  ``Leroy,'' she
called, fanning herself, to the grotesque, aged, mysterious hunchback
who inexplicably served as the sorority's handyman, factotum and
whipping boy, ``please get Mr. Manley and myself an orangeade.''  Little
did she dream that she and Brock would soon be plunged by the
enigmatic Leroy into a whirlpool of macabre and life-threatening
intrigue, suspicion and romance.
<P>
``Hiya, 'Reenie!'' Brock twinkled good-naturedly as he leapt onto the
sun porch.  ``Sure is hot!''
<P>
BROCK.  A name for the nineties.
<P>
Question: What happens when you play a country western song backwards?
<P>
Answer:   Your husband/wife comes back, your children come back, you get
          get your job back....etc. etc. etc.
<P>
bumper stickers for Saddam Hussien:
<P>
``My Army imvaded Kuwait and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker''
<P>
``Quit honking! I'm retreating as fast as I can''
<P>
``Shiites happen''
<P>
``Dukakis-Bentsen in '92''
<P>
``If you don't like the way I reignm get out of small, neighboring countries''
<P>
``Lose Kuwait now! Ask me how''
<P>
``If you're righ and own a uranium refining plant, I'm single''
<P>
``If you can read thism you're probably with the 1st Airborne''
<P>
``Bomb me, I need the insurance''
<P>
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University grade their final exams:
<P>
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
<P>
  Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in.  The professor opens the books  and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
<P>
DEPT OF HISTORY:
<P>
  All students get the same grade they got last year.
<P>
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
<P>
  What is a grade?
<P>
                       Women  are  writing
<P>
                S C I E N C E   F I C T I O N !!
<P>
                NEW!EXCITING!!ORIGINAL!!!
<P>
                Women are closer to the primitive 
                than men. They are nearer to the moon-pulls, 
                the earth-tides. They possess a buried 
                memory of humanity's obscure and ancient 
                past that can emerge to uniquely color and
                flavor a novel. Such a woman is Margaret
                St. Clair. Such a novel is this, Sign of
                the Labrys, about a doomed civilization
                saved by recourse to ancient, immemorial rites...
<P>
                FRESH!IMAGINATIVE!!INVENTIVE!!!
<P>
``You wouldn't recognize a <em> subtle plan</em> if it painted itself purple,
and danced naked upon a harpsichord, singing, `Subtle Plans are Here Again'.''
<P>
                        -  Edmund Blackadder
<P>
Top 10 Ways NBC News Can Save Money
<P>
10. Make stuff up.
<P>
5. Sell reruns to A &amp; E.
<P>
4. Limit News coverage to things that happen in the building.
<P>
1. Have Brokaw turn on a portable TV and say ``Let's watch the
CBS News together.''
<P>
Top 10 Rejected NFL Team Names.
<P>
7. The Fighting Amish.
<P>
4.  The Ferrets.
<P>
Medical Bad News/Good News:
<P>
The bad news:  Four cups of coffee increase your heart attack risk by 40%.
<P>
The good news:  You don't have to worry about dying in your sleep.
<P>
Soldiers patrolling near Kuwait oil fires are caught between Iraq
and a charred place.
<P>
Millie the White House Dog is on a book tour.  She would have been on the 
Tonight Show, but she's not allowed on the couch.
<P>
``If we increase the size of the penguin until it
is the same height as a man
and then compare the relative brain size,
we know find that the penguin's
brain is still smaller. But, and this is the point,
it is larger than it WAS!''
<P>
``If you post it, they will flame.'' - The voice from Field of Dreams.
<P>
``Why a spoon?  why not an axe or something?''
<P>
``Because it's *dull*, you idiot!''
<P>
I missed ``A Cray in the Dark.''  Is that about a power blackout at
Lawrence Livermore Lab precipitated by a terrorist invasion and this
Cray on battery backup has to simulate the optimal solution to 
defeating the terrorists?
<P>
I've heard that Seymour's next project
is ``The Abyss II'' where this
scientist immerses a Cray in liquid to cool it more efficiently and
inadvertently creates mutant Cray-fish.  Should be good.
<P>
Politically Correct term for death: Metabolically challenged.
<P>
``Everybody bet lots of money on the eggplant, thinking that if a
vegetable challenges a live animal with four legs to a race, then it
must be that the vegetable knows something.''
<P>
Dave's Wacky Piecharts
<P>
Types of Piecharts:
<P>
48% have 2 colors.
<P>
66% have 3 colors.
<P>
57% don't add  up right.
<P>
Most Dangerous Places to Go on Vacation:
<P>
20% Beirut
<P>
15% Northern Ireland
<P>
65% Kenney Compound
<P>
``Nuke 'em 'til they glow, so you can strafe 'em in the dark.''
<P>
Curtiss E. LeMay (CINCSAC) during Cuban Missile Crisis (?)
<P>
David Letterman, a man who claims to support the idea of lip service.
<P>
Top 10 Reasons CNN Let the Iraqis Use Their Phone
<P>
8. Wanted to call 976-VEIL.
<P>
3. Foreman of ``Baby-milk factory'' needed to order ``pacifiers'' from
Germany.
<P>
Steven Wright is a peripheral visionary, he can see into the future,
but just way off to the side.
<P>
Iraq is additional proof of Vladimir Nabokov's claim that
``portraits of a nation's leader should never exceed the
size of a postage stamp.''
<P>
``This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be hurled
with great force.'' -- Dorothy Parker
<P>
``To call the dialogue wooden is to insult the expressive
potential of a tree stump.'' -- Gerald Jonas,
in his review of Robert L. Forward's Martian
Rainbow in the July 14, 1991 New York Times Book Review
<P>
And, of course, dinosaur civilization ended when one space faring
faction threw a rather large asteroid at another ground slogger faction
in a dispute over equal net access and a split of talk.dinosaurs into
talk.dinosaurs. glorious-space-farers and
talk.dinosaurs.perfidious-mud-sloggers!        -Kent Paul Dolan
<P>
Saddam Hussein, curious to see how his newly implemented decree allowing Iraqis
to travel abroad for the first time in years heads down to the passport office.
Once there he joins the line. One after another the passport seekers ahead of
him insist that President Saddam take their place. Very quickly he has moved to
the head of the line and he is dealing with the clerk.  The clerk issues
President Saddam his passport with lightning speed. The president thanks the
clerk, then turns around to discover that all those in line behind him have
vanished without a trace. Saddam turns back to the clerk and asks what has
happened. ``Simple'', says the clerk, ``if you leave Iraq, no else has to.''
<P>
Movie Titles:
<P>
Dirty Dances With Wolves
<P>
What About Bob And Carol And Ted And Alice?
<P>
Pee Wee's Big Adventures In Babysitting
<P>
Marathon Rain Man
<P>
When Dirty Harry Met Sally...
<P>
Nightmare On Wall Street
<P>
Star Trek II: The Grapes Of The Wrath Of Khan
<P>
License To Kill A Mockingbird
<P>
The Year Of Johnny Dangerously
<P>
Young Naked Guns
<P>
The Elephant Man With Two Brains
<P>
Peggy Sue Got Married To The Mob
<P>
Three Men And Rosemary's Baby
<P>
Lambada: The Forbidden Planet
<P>
Zorro, The Gay Blade Runner
<P>
2001 Dalmatians
<P>
Smokey And The Time Bandits
<P>
The Creature From The Blue Lagoon
<P>
Terminators Of Endearment
<P>
Godzilla Must Be Crazy!
<P>
The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those
who make empty prophecies.  The danger already exists that the
mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit
and to confine man in the bonds of Hell.
<P>
St. Augustine
<P>
I'm not sure I'm using this right, but if I am, here's a whole bunch 
of viola jokes.
<P>
What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A violin burns faster.
<P>
Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both **** up bowings.
<P>
What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.
<P>
What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up frills.
<P>
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
<P>
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and
a smoking crater where his house used to be.  The cheif of poice comes over
to him and tells him, &quot;While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
killed your family, and burned it down.&quot;  The violist replied, &quot;You're
kidding!  The conductor came to my house?&quot;
<P>
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically.  The conductor
askes the violist, &quot;What's wrong?&quot;  The violist answers, &quot;The second oboe
loosened one of my tuning pegs.&quot;  The conductor replied, &quot;I admit, that
seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about.  Why are you
crying?&quot;  To which the violist replied, &quot;He won't tell me which one!!&quot;
<P>
The composition of a string quartet:
1 good violinist
1 bad violinist
1 really bad violinist who became a violist
1 chellist who hates all violinists.
<P>
Q:  Honey, would you still love me if I were burned beyond all recognition?
<P>
A:  I'd love you MORE!
<P>
1.   Q:   What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
     A:   Gifted!
<P>
2.   Q:   How do blonde braincells die ?
     A:   Alone.
<P>
4.   Q:   What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
     A:   Artificial intelligence.
<P>
6.   Q:   Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
     A:   Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
<P>
7.   Q:   Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
     A:   She'd just dyed her hair.
<P>
8.   Q:   Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
     A:   She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it
          blown around too much.
<P>
9.   Q:   Why do blondes wear their hair up?
     A:   To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
<P>
10.  Q:   Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
     A:   You can park in the handicap zone.
<P>
12.  Q:   How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
     A:   Shine a flashlight in their ear.
<P>
13.  Q:   Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
     A:   It takes too long to retrain them.
<P>
14.  Q:   How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
     A:   There's white-out on the screen.
<P>
15.  Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
     A:   You only have to punch information into a computer once.
<P>
17.  Q:   What did the blonde think of the new computer?
     A:   She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....
<P>
18.  Q:   Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
     A:   (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
<P>
19.  Q:   How do you kill a blonde?
     A:   Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
<P>
20.  Q:   How do blondes pierce their ears?
     A:   They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
<P>
21.  Q:   Why don't blondes eat Jello?
     A:   They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
          little packages.
<P>
23.  Q:   Why don't blondes eat pickles?
     A:   Because they can't get their head in the jar.
<P>
33.  Q:   What's the mating call of the blonde?
     A:   &quot;I'm *sooo* drunk!&quot;
<P>
34.  Q:   What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
     A:   (Screaming) &quot;I said: I'm drunk!&quot;
<P>
35.  Q:   What's the mating call of the brunette?
     A:   &quot;All the blondes have gone home!&quot;
<P>
36.  Q:   What's a brunette's mating call ?
     A:   Has that blonde gone yet?
<P>
40.  Q:   Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
     A:   Toes go in first.
<P>
57.  Q:   What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
     A:   &quot;Thanks for the refill!&quot;
<P>
58.  Q:   What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
     A:   Data transfer.
<P>
59.  Q:   Why do blondes have more fun?
     A:   Because they don't know any better.
<P>
60.  Q:   How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
     A1:  &quot;What's a lightbulb?&quot;
     A2:  One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
     A3:  Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, &quot;Daaady!&quot;
<P>
61.  Q:   What's a blonde's favourite wine?
     A:   &quot;Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!&quot;
<P>
64.  Q:   What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
     A:   Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
<P>
65.  Q:   What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
     A:   &quot;Are you sure it's mine?&quot;
<P>
69.  Q:   Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
          blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. 
          Who picks it up?
     A:   The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
          the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
<P>
70.  Q:   Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
     A:   To see what was on the other side.
<P>
71.  Q:   What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
     A:   Pull the pin and throw it back.
<P>
76.  Q:   If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
          ground first?
     A:   The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
<P>
77.  Q:   What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
     A:   Her IQ goes up!
<P>
82.  Q:   What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
     A:   Bigfoot has been spotted.
<P>
97.  Q:   How do you drown a blond?
     A:   Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
<P>
102. Q:   What job function does a blonde have in an M&amp;M factory?
     A:   Proofreading.
<P>
103. Q:   Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&amp;M factory?
     A:   For throwing out the W's.
<P>
106. Q:   What's the Blonde's cheer?
     A:   &quot; I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
          I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...&quot;
<P>
108. Q:   How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
     A:   She threw it off a cliff.
<P>
109. Q:   Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
          puzzle in only 6 months?
     A:   Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
<P>
111. Q:   How does a blonde high-5?
     A:   She smacks herself in the forehead.
<P>
117. Q:   Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
     A:   They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.
<P>
119. Q:   What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
     A:   An interpreter.
<P>
120. Q:   What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
     A:   A mental block.
<P>
121. Q:   What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
     A:   A wind tunnel.
<P>
126. Q:   What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
     A:   Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
<P>
131. Q:   What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
     A:   &quot;Oh look!  Doughnut seeds!&quot;
<P>
135. Q:   What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
     A:   Spot.
<P>
136. Q:   What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
     A:   Air Supply.
<P>
137. Q:   What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
     A:   The back of her head.
<P>
138. Q:   Why do blondes drive VW's
     A:   Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
<P>
139. Q:   How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
     A:   Tell them a joke on Friday night !
<P>
141. Q:   Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
     A:   So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
<P>
149. Q:   What did the blonde say to the physicist?
     A:   &quot;Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission!  What do you use for bait?&quot;
<P>
153. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
     where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.
<P>
154. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw 
     a sign that said &quot;DISNEYLAND LEFT&quot;. After thinking for a minute,
     she said to herself &quot;oh well !&quot; and turned around an drove home.
<P>
     On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
     &quot;CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES&quot;. By the time she drove eight miles, she
     had cleaned 43 restrooms.
<P>
155. How about the suicide blonde,
     she dyed by her own hand.
<P>
156. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.  The brunette
     says suddenly, &quot;Awww, look at the dead birdie&quot;. The blonde stops,
     looks up, and says, &quot;Where?&quot;
<P>
157. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
     wrong way on a one-way street.
     Cop:      Do you know where you were going?
     Blonde:   No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
               people were leaving.
<P>
161. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
     them decides to call 911:
      Blonde:   We need help. We're three blondes changing
                a light bulb.
      Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
      Blonde:   Yes.
      Operator: The power in the house in on?
      Blonde:   Of course.
      Operator: And the switch is on?
      Blonde:   Yes, yes.
      Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
      Blonde:   No, it's working fine.
      Operator: Then what's the problem?
      Blonde:   We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
                we all fell and hurt ourselves.
<P>
163. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, 
     and a blonde.  The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and 
     estimated about 20 miles to shore.  So she announced, &quot;I'm going to 
     try to swim to shore.&quot;  So she swam out five miles, and got really 
     tired.  She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired 
     to go on, so she drowned.
<P>
     The second one, the redhead, said to herself, &quot;I wonder if she made it.
     I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and 
     starve.&quot; So she attempts to swim out.  The redhead had a lot more 
     endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even 
     got tired.  After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
<P>
     So the blonde thought to herself, &quot;I wonder if they made it!  I think 
     I'd better try to make it, too.&quot;  So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 
     15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island.  The shore was just in sight,
     but she said, &quot;I'm too tired to go on!&quot;  So she swam back.
<P>
165. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
     and said &quot;Oh, look at the deer tracks.&quot;  The other blonde looks
     and says &quot;Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks.&quot;  &quot;No.
     Those are deer tracks.&quot; They keep arguing, and arguing, and one 
     half hour later they were both killed by a train.
<P>
167. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
     their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
<P>
     Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
<P>
     Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
     to rain and the top is down!
<P>
175. Q:	  What's the difference between a blond and a shopping cart.
<P>
     A:	  A shopping cart has a mind of it's own.
<P>
181. Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death
     in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
     They went to see &quot;Closed for the Winter&quot;.
<P>
182. Q:   What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
     A:   A blonde going through a flashing red light.
<P>
183. Q:   What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
     A:   It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
<P>
191. Q:   How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
     A:   She fell out of the tree.
<P>
192. Q:   What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
     A:   An Air Bag
<P>
195. Q:   What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
     A:   A thought.
<P>
  Q. What role did Ron Howard have in Star Wars?
  A. Opie Wan Kenobi
<P>
Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place.  We asked how 
they prepare their chickens.
<P>
The answer was, ``We just tell them they're going to die.''
<P>
   &quot;Well, the last time I saw Robert Maxwell, he seemed quite buoyant...&quot;
<P>
   &quot;I just hope Rupert Murdoch follows in the wake of Robert Maxwell...&quot;
<P>
If Milli Vanilli fall in the woods, does someone else make a sound?
<P>
How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a lightbulb?
None.  If you know how many there are, you don't know where
the lightbulb is.
<P>
Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage.  He didn't have to
hear about all of her old boyfriends, and she didn't have
to hear about his mother's  cooking.
<P>
Star Trekkin:  The Next Generation.
<P>
<P> 
Worf's verse:
&quot;Our honor is at stake here, stake here, stake here.<BR> 
Our honor is at stake here, stake here, Captain.&quot;
<P>
&quot;We come in peace, let us go, let us go, let us go,<BR> 
 we come in peace, let us go, let us go, please.&quot;  -- Picard
<P>
Geordi:
I'm trying to find a girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend<BR> 
I'm trying to find a girlfriend, I want to get layed.
<P>
Troi:
<P>
        I sense much pain, much pain, much pain, Captain,<BR> 
        I sense much pain, much pain, Kiss me Riker
<P>
Here's a verse for Lt. Commander Data:
<P>
Insufficient information, information, information,<BR> 
insufficient information, information, sir!
<P>
I think we have a Red Alert, Red Alert, Red Alert.<BR> 
I think we have a Red Alert, Strike a pose, Riker!
  <P>
<P>
Star Trekkin' The Next Generation
---- -------- --- ---- ----------
<P>
A Parody song written by:  Derek Bacon, John Trussel, Android (the paranoid)
                           Petrarca.
<P>
<P> 
Star Trekkin' Across the Universe<BR> 
On the starship Enterprise, We miss Captain Kirk.<BR> 
Star Trekkin' Across the Universe<BR> 
Boldly going forward, (insert something here)
<P>
Acting Ensign: Wesley Crusher
<P>
Let me try my science project<BR> 
science project<BR> 
science project<BR> 
Let me try my science project<BR> 
We can go warp twenty.
<P>
Ship's Captain: Jean-Luc Picard
<P>
Hail the Borg! We surrender<BR> 
We surrender<BR> 
We surrender<BR> 
Hail the Borg! We surrender.<BR> 
We surrender. Now!
<P>
Deana Troi, Beta-Zed Counselor
<P>
I sense confusion, Oh, the pain,<BR> 
Oh the pain.<BR> 
Oh the pain.<BR> 
I sense confusion, Oh the pain.<BR> 
Oh the pain, Ungh!
<P>
Miles Edward O'Brien, Transporter Chief.
<P>
O My God! I've got a line!<BR> 
Got a line!<BR> 
Got a line!<BR> 
O My God! I've got a line!<BR> 
Got a line! Wow!
<P>
Ship's Doctor, Beverly Crusher
<P>
Did you say &quot;Shut up, Wesley?&quot;<BR> 
&quot;Shut up, Wesley&quot;<BR> 
&quot;Shut up, Wesley&quot;<BR> 
Did you say &quot;Shut up, Wesley?&quot;<BR> 
You stupid balding twit!
<P>
  <P>
<P>
Self help book: Women who love men who hate women and
the men who love them to hate them
<P>
A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho.  On the way he fell
among thieves, who took all his goods, beat him savagely and left him
dying by the wayside.
<P>
As it happend on that same day two social workers passed that way, and
looking upon him were filled with pity and concern.  Whereupon one
turned to the other and said
<P>
        ``The person who did this needs our help!''
<P>
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class about Noah and his
adventures in the arc.
<P>
``So do you think Noah did a lot of fishing?'', she asked the
class.
<P>
``How could he,'' said one bright girl, ``with only two worms?''
<P>
After a few minutes of viewing<em> (Covington Cross)</em>,
I decided the premise of the show
had to be: &quot;What if modern American kids were raised by a medieval
lord?&quot;.    :-)  You know, sort of a &quot;Leave it to Genevieve&quot; or
&quot;Arthur Knows Best&quot; or &quot;Bonanzelot&quot;.
<P>
I'm reminded of a passage from Asimov's (rather lengthy) autobiography.  He
and his daughter have just finished watching &quot;Fantastic Voyage&quot;.
<P>
&quot;But Daddy, won't the submarine expand later and kill the man?&quot;
&quot;Well, yes, Robyn, but you have to understand that you're more intelligent
than the average Hollywood producer.  After all, you're eight.&quot;
<P>
Some local stations showed a comercial for TNG:
(Sung to the tune of &quot;We Didn't Start the Fire&quot; by B. Joel)
<P> 
Jean Luc,<BR> 
     Geordi's Specs,<BR> 
     Mysteries on the Holodecks
<P>
     Asteroids,<BR> 
     Triple Droids,<BR> 
     Telepathic Betazoids
<P>
     Transporter<BR> 
     Deadly Claw<BR> 
     Visitor from LA Law
<P>
     Photons,<BR> 
     No Kirk,<BR> 
     Captain has gone berzerk
<P>
     Shuttlecraft,<BR> 
     Counselor Troy,<BR> 
     Doctor Crusher's little boy
<P>
     Klingon Rites,<BR> 
     Parasites,<BR> 
     New Heights,<BR> 
     Phasor Fights,<BR> 
     Data's Head,<BR> 
     Tasha's Dead,<BR> 
     Riker's Hangin' by a thread
<P>
     Celebration,<BR> 
     Transformation,<BR> 
     Everyone to battle stations
<P>
     We didn't start the series,<BR> 
     It's the Next Generation<BR> 
     on your favorite station
<P>
     We didn't start the series,<BR> 
     But when we are gone it will<BR> 
     still be on and on and on...<BR>
<P>
     We didn't start the series...
<P>
  <P>
<P>
&quot;Twenty Years of Pointy Ears&quot;
(sung to the tune of &quot;When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again&quot;)
<P>
<P> 
From sixty-six to sixty-nine<BR> 
          There was a show<BR> 
     About the Starship Enterprise<BR> 
          As we all know<BR> 
     With funny ears, and Beetle boots,<BR> 
          And phaser guns that WE COULD SHOOT,<BR> 
     But Trek... got... canned...<BR> 
          'Cause the ratings were so low.
<P>
     Letters from the fans didn't get<BR> 
          The show's fourth season on,<BR> 
     The Star Trek crew, now unemployed,<BR> 
          Made cash at sci-fi cons.<BR> 
     When the ranks of Trekkies grew and grew,<BR> 
          We noticed that some fans do to,<BR> 
     'Cause they nibble... just like tribbles...<BR> 
          While they're watching Trek re-runs.
<P>
     The fans all got together for<BR> 
          A new write-in campaign,<BR> 
     To get a TV movie made,<BR> 
          But not one like &quot;Spock's Brain&quot;!<BR> 
     The network told them &quot;GO TO HELL!&quot;,<BR> 
          But then found Star Trek toys sold well;<BR> 
     But there's... no... mar... ket<BR> 
          In sci-fi films today.
<P>
     (Just then when things seemed darkest,<BR> 
      There was a light... saber.)
<P>
     The highest grossing movie in the<BR> 
          World is called Star Wars;<BR> 
     They read through the old Star Trek scripts, then<BR> 
          Wrote one that's a bore.<BR> 
     Star Trek: The Motion Picture's trash, but<BR> 
          It should make a lotta cash:<BR> 
     The crew will wear pajamas<BR> 
          And we'll make one of them bald.
<P>
     (It's making money!  Quick!  Let's make a sequel!)<BR> 
     &lt;Well, we have this other old script called... what is it?&gt;<BR> 
     (Space Seed?)<BR> 
     &lt;Yeah, Ricardo Montalban just happens to be on the back lot doing a<BR> 
          Cordoba commercial -- [de plane! de plane!] -- so you know what<BR> 
          that means, don't you?&gt;<BR>
<P>
     STAR... TREK... TWO!!!
<P>
     We'll kill off Khan, and kill off Spock, and<BR> 
          Make them cry, you'll see!<BR> 
     We'll sell them Star Trek handkerchiefs, and<BR> 
          then make Star Trek three!<BR> 
     Kirk has a wife, and has a son; we'll<BR> 
          Sell them dolls of everyone.<BR> 
     Janiss... iss... is a bomb that's lots of fun.<BR> 
     ... Unlike Star Trek one.
<P>
     (Shut up!)
<P>
     Hey, wait a minute, looky here, there's<BR> 
          Money to be made<BR> 
     On model kits and other shit like<BR> 
          Gum cards they can trade;<BR> 
     They'll wonder if Spock's dead, ya see; we'll<BR> 
          Sell the rights to PAY TEE VEE,<BR> 
     And with... the... mo... ney, we'll make Star Trek three.
<P>
     (Great.  Just great.  Now Nimoy won't come back!)<BR> 
     &lt;Bribe him.  Tell him he can direct it.&gt;<BR> 
     (But he's dead, Jim!)<BR> 
     &lt;As a director too, but don't worry; people will come just to see<BR> 
          if Spock lives, bless his little pointy-ears.&gt;
<P>
     STAR... TREK... THREE!!!
<P>
     With Captain Kirk, and Mister Spock, and<BR> 
          Doc... Mick... Coy,   (Oh boy!)<BR> 
     With Scotty, Checkov, UH-hoo-rah, and<BR> 
          Soo... loo... too,  (Oh boy!)<BR> 
     And Saavik's gonna join the crew, but<BR> 
          Not the one from Star Trek Two,<BR> 
     And May... jell... who... is Roddenberry's wife.
<P>
     It took a while, but Paramount has<BR> 
          Now... turned... face,<BR> 
     With Indy films, and Trek films about<BR> 
          Ou... ter... space;<BR> 
     Trek Four will make their wallets fat, with<BR> 
          Trek time-trips and Saavik's brat:<BR> 
     An an... ni... ver... s'ry gift for all the fans!
<P>
  <P>
<P>
&quot;Anti-ninjas were the most feared assassins in the world.
 Instead of appearing out of thin air, throwing metal stars
 and messing around with bo staffs and numchuks they simply
 shot people and then drove everyone mad with pointless
 conspiracy theories for years afterwards.&quot;
  --From &quot;N-Man #3&quot;
<P>
Before embarking too enthusiastically on this topic, please read the FAQ.
It may save you the trouble of repeating history.
<P>
       Heck,  I don't  read documentation: why should I read the FAQ?
<P>
        Besides, why should the fact that OTHER people have already done it
stop us from doing it again? Why, that's the very BASIS of our educational
system, and it's so much fun to see those familiar, COMFORTABLE flames.
<P>
                                                       James Nicoll
<P>
      Garlane:   the preceding was *sarcasm*.
<P>
        That's GHARLANE, you fool! Misspelling his name will get you
blasted to incandescent gas by a Brobdingnagian blast of coruscant
energy!
<P>
There are more things in heaven and Earth than anyplace else. -- Tom Weller
<P>
<!WA8><a href="http://www.cs.utexas.edu/users/dastuart/das.html">DAS</a>

<P>

<BR> <HR>
<UL> 
<LI> <!WA9><A NAME=tex2html3 HREF="http://www.cs.utexas.edu/users/dastuart/tempjdir/jokes/node1.html#SECTION00010000000000000000">   About this document ... </A>
</UL>
<BR> <HR><!WA10><A NAME=tex2html1 HREF="http://www.cs.utexas.edu/users/dastuart/tempjdir/jokes/node1.html"><!WA11><IMG ALIGN=BOTTOM ALT="next" SRC="http://net.cs.utexas.edu/pub/icons/latex2html/next_motif.gif"></A>   <!WA12><IMG ALIGN=BOTTOM ALT="up" SRC="http://net.cs.utexas.edu/pub/icons/latex2html/up_motif_gr.gif">   <!WA13><IMG ALIGN=BOTTOM ALT="previous" SRC="http://net.cs.utexas.edu/pub/icons/latex2html/previous_motif_gr.gif">         <BR>
<B> Next:</B> <!WA14><A NAME=tex2html2 HREF="http://www.cs.utexas.edu/users/dastuart/tempjdir/jokes/node1.html">   About this document </A>
<BR> <HR> <P>
<BR> <HR>
<P><ADDRESS>
<I>Douglas A. Stuart <BR>
Fri Mar 17 13:14:29 CST 1995</I>
</ADDRESS>
</BODY>
